This drug may cause nausea, cramping, projectile vomiting, headache, hallucinations, abnormal swelling of the tongue, enlarging of the belly button, temporary amnesia, loss of sense of taste, loss of extraneous limbs, hair loss, loss of teeth, loss of the use of your nasal passages, loss of bowel control, hearing loss, loss of breath, loss of the ability to use your thumbs, or loss of sanity. If you feel faint, that’s normal. Just lie down. Also, I would advise that you use this time wisely: i.e. re-write your last will and testament. Just a suggestion. You may also begin to hear a strong, screeching noise from your abdomen. Do not be alarmed. Merely drink a gallon of water and consult a nearby musician. If you hit a high C, however, see a doctor and/or prepare for takeoff. Avoid breadstuffs, caffeine, alcohol, seafood, and lettuce. Avoid the insatiable craving for Fried Dill Pickles, Mayonnaise, and Beets. That combination is simply gross. Really, your diet should consist only of Sheppard’s pie and yak meat. In case of an emergency, you may be able to drink Tang. Though proceed with great caution, as no scientist has ever been able to determine what exactly is in that stuff. Also, do not operate any moving vehicle—yes, that includes tractors, golf carts, and airplanes—unless you are among the 4 percent of users who experience “extreme kinesthetic aptitude”. In this case, you’re good to go. Some users may experience a deep sense of melancholy, accompanied with fits of life-questioning and sorrow. If so, we suggest you stay away from any Coldplay or James Taylor music. Otherwise, have at it. User may begin to stretch and shrink in odd places. It is advisable that you keep all young children away from you at least an hour after consuming the recommended dosage. Your features may become more grotesque than before, and unruly facial hair may begin to sprout in areas other than the face. That being said, it may be a good idea to have a bottle of Nair handy and ready to go. Unless of course, it’s Halloween. Remove all sharp utensils and weapons from your household prior to taking this pill. You will be held accountable for your actions in court in the event that you harm either yourself or others. Users have been known to wield any weapons in their sight in a savage-like manner after consuming the first dose. This includes pens, nail scissors, and belts. WARNING: Your colon may explode—so much so, in fact, that it may cause physical harm to innocent bystanders. Therefore, we strongly recommend that you lock yourself in a secluded area until the pill has worn off. Preferably to a large and heavy kitchen appliance. Many of you—a good 98 percent—may feel an overwhelming sense of impending doom approximately an hour after ingesting this drug. This is explainable; it is because you are about to die. If you begin to see a blinding, white light or any Biblical character, do not go towards them. Instead, call a religious official. Do not raise your arms above your head for longer than 4 minutes. We are unsure what will happen, but it probably isn’t good. 15 percent of users may find that you become completely immune to the force of gravity. In such a case, we advise that you wear the 50-lb. weight boots we included in the prescription kit. If you are among the 85 percent who do not experience anti-gravity, you may find that you begin to adopt feline-like characteristics. However, any sensations of growing a “tail” or a “coat of fur” are completely illusionary and should be disregarded. But we recommend staying away from mirrors just in case.
Do not take this product if you are pregnant, hoping to get pregnant, afraid of chickens, have had or have never had the chicken pox, or are uneasy with the Bubonic Plague. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, RUN. This drug will not prevent your untimely death in any way, shape, or form. This product may contain less than one percent of crack cocaine, gasoline, sheep wool, Worcestershire sauce, Elmer’s glue, lead paint, human hair, pork rinds, whale intestines, green eggs and ham, and octopus.
