Disclaimer: I am not a computer genius. Nor am I even equipped to handle your laptop at all. Having taken the aforementioned disclaimer into consideration, please read on. Be my guest.
This blog post is my one and only attempt to salvage my e-mail from spam. I currently have a whopping 1994 e-mails on my AOL account, and I just checked it last month. This is my plea to the masses to stop the insanity. STOP.
1. Dear Funnypicture67, I DO NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I’m also quite positive that no one—no matter how great of friends you may be—wants to get an average of 9 e-mails from you a day. No matter how hard you try, I don’t think it’s good conduct to bombard their inbox with e-mails from you. At least give the impression that you have a job. Also, I don’t know who you are trying to contact, but I don’t think it’s me. I’m pretty sure we probably aren’t friends, because if you knew me at all, you would know that I do not want to see nude pictures of anyone over the internet. Especially of Rod Stewart. EW.
2. When you misspell a word, it shows up in red. With a squiggly line underneath. That helpful little squiggle can save you from misspelling the word “penguin” in a professional e-mail to your boss, while also saving you from endless embarrassment when you accidentally add an extra “s” to the end of “as” in a “Happy Birthday” e-card to your 6-year-old niece. I’m not the Spelling Queen, but hey: It’s free, it works, let’s use it :)
3. A funny picture will never, ever magically materialize into a unique desktop screensaver no matter how many aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, or colleagues you forward that e-mail to. Nor will you win an iPad, Dell Laptop, or $1000.
4. Along the same lines, you will never, ever, ever have 87 years of bad luck if you do not forward that e-mail to 4893025732 friends in the next five minutes. If I receive another e-mail telling me that I will die tomorrow or lose my leg to Necrotizing fasciitis, I will re-send you that e-mail 15 times until you get Necrotizing fasciitis too. Plus I’ll break all of your mirrors. And put a curse on you.
5. No matter how important you may be, Bill Gates would never send you a personal e-mail. If it looks as though he has, you are most likely being spammed by someone who wants you to send them money or your first-born child. Bill Gates is an important man, and he cannot be bothered to send you a personal e-mail about investing in the next version of Windows Vista. Unless maybe you’re Donald Trump.
6. I really, really, really (times infinity) don't want to be forever flooded with those pictures of kittens that think that they’re human. It may have been moderately funny the first time that kitten used a “z” instead of an “s”, but I honestly can’t handle their gangster slang anymore. I’m sorry. I just can’t. If you send me one, you take the blame when I attach a Hitler mustache to your precious kitten and send it back to you. You’re just asking for it.
The internet can get a great tool for those who know how to use it; otherwise, it’s just another vista for the crazies of the world to continue their rampage to destroy the world with viruses, spam, and those godforsaken chain letters (which, in my opinion, are the source of computer viruses, and therefore should be avoided altogether). Please do not participate in the mayhem, and by all means avoid the blue screen of death.
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