Things that Irk Me To No End:
Gilbert Gottfried’s Voice
There is no sound more painful to the human eardrum than the voice of Gilbert Gottfried. It’s loud, it's obnoxious, and, if used correctly, could possibly be America's #1 Weapon of Mass Destruction. It's no small wonder that you lose 4738295 brain cells for every second that you listen to his voice. It's a scientific fact. Side effects include: being unable to have children, growing unsightly appendages, and having a strong urge to gauge out your eyeballs with a spork. To put it simply, Gilbert Gottfried’s voice makes small children cry. And it kills kittens. It’s pure, unadulterated evil. Personified.
Luckily, the effects of overexposure to Gottfried’s voice can be reversed by listening religiously to Morgan Freeman's voice. The two exist in such opposition to one another that they essentially cancel each other out.
NOTE: I do not hold a grudge against Gilbert Gottfried. On the contrary, I feel quite sorry for him because of his unfortunate voice.
The Biznatch at the Gym
I do not mean one particular biznatch. I am referencing nearly every single girl at the gym. Yeah, that’s right, biznatch. You know who you are. However, we are all guilty of being this girl at one point or another, so I am sort of speaking tongue-in-cheek here. Eventually, the biznatch's true colors will show and she will keep her sweaty butt on a machine far past the 30 minute limit or hog the water fountain or talk in stereo-sound on her cell phone while desperately trying to hang on to cardio equipment. Gym taboos aggravate me beyond the normal human threshold for anger. I’ll admit that I don’t particularly enjoy going to the gym, so I am definitely biased against such persons. The endorphins don’t hit me until I am home and pass out on the couch, so I am not a delightful person to encounter on the Stairmaster. However, I recommend that all gym members should abide by the rules for a friendlier and more enjoyable experience :)
Devo
Just watch their video from today's episode of Live with Regis and Kelly. It really explains everything. They are, ultimately, assaulting you with their electronic rhythms and their robotic stuttering.
Things that secretly have nicotine in them.
I’m pretty sure Starbucks has nicotine in it. Either that or crack cocaine. One of the two. The people at Starbucks had a company meeting and decided that in order to control the entire world, they needed to get us hooked on their products. Eventually, we will be so addicted to Starbucks that we’ll be unable to survive without it, and therefore will pay however much to obtain it even if we have to sell our bodies. Or our children. It’s a devious ploy to dominate the world.
Papercuts
I think everyone would agree on this one. Papercuts are a tree’s final, dying gasp to avenge their untimely death and show humanity what they are made of. It’s like the paper jumps up and bites you, screaming, “Screw you! HAHAAA!” Usually you’re just going about your business, high on life, and then BAM! Papercut strikes and you’re bleeding all over the place. It literally can ruin your day. Or week. Or lifetime.
Things that I Love:
Eavesdropping on other people’s phone conversations
Hearing random spurts of other people’s cell phone convos brings me great joy. Where else will you hear phrases like "And then I was like, 'Obviously the Troll doll would win. Cabbage Patch Kids are made out of cotton'" or “Yeah, but it was like a blue-ish green color and it was moving so then I got worried and trapped it underneath a sofa cushion” or “Heck yeah I was pissed! He set me on fire!” Seriously, the possibilities are endless. These interjections can really bring some excitement to your rather arbitrary and mundane existence while also making you feel better about yourself and your own problems. Who knows what was under that sofa cushion...
Grandpas
You know what else is neat? GRANDPAS. Grandpas are the epitome of awesome. They just exude awesomeness. They're wise, they know everything, and they've been around for awhile, so they are usually great storytellers. They can tell you about wars, walking a mile through the snow to school with no shoes on, and how this one time they wrestled a bear with their bare hands. Grandpas are like the original superheroes. Except without capes. Plus, they normally have Werther's Original Caramels in their pockets.
Getting Stuff For Free
No one will pass up free stuff. If you do, you're automatically un-American, and Santa will put you on the Naughty List. It's true. Free stuff makes you feel like a superstar. Celebrities get free stuff all the time for promotional purposes...so why shouldn't you? Free stick of gum? I'll take it. Free sunglasses? Yes sir. Free Snuggie? Cha-ching! Getting Free Stuff reassures the average American that life is indeed worthwhile.
Things that Sleepwalk
People who sleepwalk provide hours of non-stop entertainment. You have no idea when they will strike. It's like waiting for Christmas morning every single night. Will they get up for an impromptu shower? Or a trip to the mini-mart three blocks away? How about a midnight trek to the zoo? NO ONE KNOWS. Sleepwalking people are the perfect way to spice up any sleepover or night in general. Or sleepwalking animals. Either one.
Listerine Pocketpacks
This is definitely up there in the charts for the coolest invention ever. It's a mint in a sheet. You pop one of those suckers on your tongue, and it's like the arctic set up camp in your tonsils. You can literally breathe icicles. You'll have minty fresh breath all the live long day. On the other hand, if you mistakenly get three or more of the sheets stuck together and put a bunch of Cinnamon Listerine in your mouth, you will undoubtedly know what it's like to taste fire. So beware.
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